My folks had been married 73 years when my dad died. My mother is now 96 and says she’s going to “live to be 100 or die trying!” When they celebrated their Golden Wedding Anniversary, I asked my dad for some words of wisdom. Awed that he had raised seven daughters and two sons and stayed married for 50 years, I asked: “Dad, however did you manage to live with eight women and not go crazy?
He looked at me and without smiling said, “All together, they didn’t give me as much trouble as you did.” Three of my younger sisters, who were at the table with us, burst into laughter! My past was being revealed! Or, had it?
I had a different recollection of those years at home. I don’t remember giving him any trouble at all, and I can name many, many things my sisters did to annoy and worry him. The point is, our memories have a way of revising history to serve our needs; the things we remember about our childhood, especially adolescence, may not really be the way they were.
When I first heard that in a medical school psych lecture, I thought, That’s not true. I remember things just as they were. Of course, I was only 22 at the time so my mind had not had enough time to suppress the memories of my past that made me look bad. Healthy brains actually revise our personal history by deleting uncomfortable memories and embellishing pleasant memories. This mental gymnastics helps us use the past to adjust to the present and create a better future.
The point is, don’t be so sure of how it was when you tell your kids about your saintly teenage years, and try not to compare their reality with your perception of history.
Try instead to concentrate on finding the things about them you like, admire, and respect. Tell them frequently and sincerely, because they have spent their lives, brief as they may be, liking, admiring, and respecting you—even if you don’t deserve it. This mutual admiration society will be the basis on which they will build their moral value system, imitating you in almost every way.
The above taken from Messengers in Denim.