Over the weeken
d Mary and I stopped for lunch at one of our favorite spots – Panera. While waiting in line for my favorite beverage -water (Sorry I’m boring!) I spotted an obese young lady and her overweight 7-8 Y/O daughter ahead of me in line. Mom approached the drink dispenser with two plastic cups. “What would you like?” she inquired of her daughter.
“Water.” the youngster replied.
“Oh,” Mom said. “I already paid for a soda.”
“That’s OK,” the girl answered. “I just want water.”
Mother replied in disgust, “You can drink a soda!” and she walked off with two cups of Cola!
In my younger days I might have approached the lady and asked if she thought she would feel better if her daughter became as fat as she was, but now I know that that would not have helped anything, so I just went on with my lunch.
I had almost put this “mal-parenting” out of my mind when I picked up yesterday’s paper. There on page 2 was an article by Lee Bierer, “Living on Campus.”
In this short, and very good article, Bierer mentioned some mistakes parents often make with their soon-to-be-college kids. The first, of course, was hovering – taking over the reins and responsibility of their lives.
Second – over-editing or actually writing their admission essays.
Third, taking over the college visit by, asking and answering all the questions for the kid as if he/she was still an infant, referring to the visit and application process as “our” visit or “our” admission process. There were other mistakes too, but let’s stop there.
The whole article reminded me of how many parents treat their kids visit to the doctor.
When I was in practice, I always started a patient visit by saying “Hi” to the kid and shaking his or her hand, regardless of their age. Only after greeting the patient did I address the parent. Then, I asked questions of the child and after they answered I looked to the parent for verification. I felt this gave the kids confidence and got them interested in their own health.
I remember many times a parent would come in with a child in tow and as soon as I entered the room would say something like “We have diarrhea,” or “We have a stomach ache.” One mother actually told me that “Our little penis hurts.” I didn’t really know how to respond to this last remark other than to say that she should not call his penis “little”; how does she think that makes him feel!
But, of the others I always said, “I will take care of the child, but you should really seek care from your own doctor.” After a while parents learned that the child is separate from themselves and the child could then start to take responsibility and build her/his own confidence.
Toddlers learns in their third year that they are not a part of the parent which gives the “terrible twos” that horrific, not justified name.
What does this have to do with the mom and daughter at Panera? Well, I think that mother has not separated from her daughter. Even though she asked the girl what she wanted, Mom was not able to realize that her daughter, who actually made the better choice, was not a part of herself and was not capable of making a decision.
Likewise, parents who hover over their kids delay their mental, emotional, and social growth. Give the kids a little freedom to enjoy their own lives and allow them to make mistakes, but most of all, when they make the right decision, let them live by it!